07889 651370 jan@janjames.co.uk

What are you holding on to? What did he do or say that grips you into unease and hurt?

The slightest thing that happens is a reminder and things flood back, re-visiting the upset and the memory. Maybe there are many things that have happened.

Resentment festers, sometimes in the background, sometimes right there in your face.

This relationship is not what it “should” be.

There’s this expectation of a relationship isn’t there? That you’ll be happy and content, he’ll support you at all times, he’ll be kind and gentle and you’ll work together as a team.

And then real life happens and it’s not like you expected at all. The initial blush of it all quickly wears off and reality bites.

The problem isn’t the reality though (although yes it looks like it), it’s the initial expectation. This has been set up unconsciously through learning in your life, things you’ve seen, read, heard. You won’t know it’s happened.

You’re not taught in school or at home how to negotiate a relationship, about the differences between men and women in how they communicate and think. You haven’t been instructed on how to easily make things flow between you.

So you start out expecting something that is not going to happen. He doesn’t always support you, your emotions seem to do something weird to him. He doesn’t wash up or or put his clothes in the washing basket. He sometimes doesn’t seem to want to listen and is more interested in other things. Romance and effort are lacking. Does he even care?

He’s made you cry

He does and says things that have cut you and made you cry, and the thoughts are there that he shouldn’t have done that!

Humans are complicated. They do and say inappropriate things, hurtful things. They get angry and vent. They can be critical and insensitive.

And ….. This stuff is not personal,  it’s all to do with whatever is going on inside that person. It’s nothing to do with you.

It’s so easy to notice and hold on to the hurt over things that other people do. It’s a little more hidden from view that you have also done or said things that have cut and hurt him.

Humans do this.

  1. It’s not personal. Nothing to do with you.
  2. You have also acted in inappropriate ways and said hurtful things.

“Let it go or be dragged”

A Zen proverb.

There’s more help, support and ways to resolve relationship struggles and pain here: