07889 651370 jan@janjames.co.uk

He’s done or said something and now you are raging, irritated or just downright annoyed. This is the time of course to say your piece, get it off your chest and tell him exactly what you think. The emotion drives you to do that doesn’t it?

Or are you someone that stuffs it all inside and simmers like a slow cooker, with no outlet?

There is another option, a productive and resolving solution. One that gets results. It’s just a case of learning a new way of doing things.

This is of course, a choice when you know how.

 
You just want to feel better

 

Really what you want is to solve the feeling, right? Does blowing up or speaking angrily ever get you this I wonder?

My own experience says that the result is more pain, an unsympathetic and uncaring response and more upset on top. This is not working.

Words spoken with a heavily charged emotion are not just little words. You may think you are just expressing yourself yet this emotion reaches out and smacks him in the face. It can be felt as an energetic punch.

 
 
Stop the energetic punch.

 

 

This “attack” ( because really this is what it is) impacts him and produces a defensive response. Hmmmm …. not what you were looking for really when you want support, understanding and care.

A simmering internal response really creates the same energetic punch from the silent chuntering and arguing that is going on inside your head. Yep, that can be felt too.

When you’re angry of course you want to vent these feelings, that’s normal. It’s very uncomfortable and you’re looking to feel better, so what can you do instead?

It may well go against the grain from your normal learnt responses but walk away, don’t say anything , allow the emotion to calm down. It will if you don’t engage in the stories you’re telling yourself about how bad it all is or how awful he is 😉. Distract yourself if you can and decided to come back to it later.

Your feelings matter

 

This is not about ignoring what’s happened at all but more like putting it to one side to deal with from a calmer place.

Speaking from a calm place means that you will be heard. Shouting or throwing out energetic punches means that someone else will retreat. They won’t be able to respond in their normal way. Fear does that, unconscious withdrawal from the attack.

Think if someone is shouting at you or if they’re angry with you, it’s very uncomfortable and it throws your normal way of thinking off balance.

When you’re calmed down this is the time to clearly state how you feel about what occurred. Not a debate, just a statement. Then leave it.

I’m not gonna lie and say it’s easy. The temptation can be strong but it is possible to not actually say the things that come into your head 🤣.

Then you will be heard.

Communication is important in resolving issues and most people struggle with this without even knowing what’s going wrong. You might like to read this: